these mousetraps are gross, yes, and they are barbaric, perhaps. they are certainly rusty, and you could definitely hurt yourself or a friend/enemy (frienemy). but the important thing is that it’s at this drawer full of mousetraps that our store, HBML, and our favorite store, the long-extinct jay’s five and dime, meet, if only for a second. jay’s was a dark nook boasting penny candy in the farthest reach but also dusty stationary, change purses, styrofoam planes, and all manner of other shitty kid crap. it was located on sunny highland st., a seemingly thriving row of shops and restaurants here in worcester that you might compare to boston’s newbury st., if you were an idiot. jay’s– my neighbor’s bike got stolen there. my dad, perfectly, got kicked out of there (for asking jay, the stout and frazzled owner, to not touch the swedish fish when he counted them with his machine-greasy hands). now of course it’s a record store run by a boorish lout who only likes ibiza anthems and incessantly yells at his mother on the phone. whereas jay’s window display was either nonexistent or obliterated by decades of inside grime, this new business proudly sells beer funnels, von dutch hats, miserable acoustic guitars, and lots of records that they can’t wait to get rid of.

anyway, mouse traps, retail mystery, greasy hands, penny candy, kids know.

mouse traps $.25

jess was our first employee of the month, elected as such unanimously having only come in the store once, but bringing with her really perfect garbage, made by herself and her friend lori– relabeled 7″ records with beautiful collage covers, snow globes with so much glitter that the object is obliterated, cans of strange food with new labels (”mystery can! the food tolerance racing game!”), and letters written and sealed that you write someone else’s address and your own return address on and mail unopened. jess is a brilliant dresser, an avid conversationalist, a casual student (of firefighting), and i a fine citizen of a very strange world.

jess, make more stuff!

jess van winkle- priceless!

jon shirley brought this little dude in over the summer, to trade for a fox skull that had come into our possession. john had recently got the back of his freshly-shaven head tattooed, in a cool pentagram / batwings / upside-down cross / “antichrist” / “666″ design, and when i gave him the skull (and a string to hang it from) he immediately took off his shirt and wore the skull as a necklace. it sat perfectly in the hollow of his sunken chest, and he told me he would never wear a shirt again.

i’m guessing the statue was originally holding a wheelbarrow, plow, or other instrument of labor, but i think these shitty markers make a far better complement. bare feet grounded but ready to spring, steel-eyed reserve, half-smile, guns blazing, and the guns are weird. hi jon!

folk art- $20

i don’t know why but we have one spider man doll, one carnage doll (this one) and like, four venom dolls, one of which sits in a horse-riding position for some reason. the carnage doll i really like because it’s really articulated- the pointer finger moves independently of the other fingers, the foot is jointed at the toes, and, well, it’s got so much freedom of movement that it’s hard to put it in a realistic pose, which i like. also, the ball joints in the hips really remind me of surrealist photographer hans bellmer’s weird erotic doll photographs- i like to think that there’s a continuum here. the other other thing i like about this doll (excuse me- action figure) is that, well, i can’t remember the story of carnage, but isn’t venom a symbiotic garment and carnage is the garment’s independent child? i love this idea!

carnage action figure - $1

hans ballmer

more symbiotic clothes

our pal sylvan can crack every vertebrae in her back in a row and in one fell swoop. i don’t have to tell you that it’s one of the worst things i’ve ever heard. i half-expected to see her skeleton step gingerly out of her skin and drape the skin on a chair- what i’m trying to say is that the experience gave me palpitations. anyway homegirl made us a mess of these nice earrings that are somehow lucky. they look nice, you wear them.

lucky jewelry $7 (lucky price!)

did you guys see any of those leprechaun movies? i did. i saw all six of them, in order, over a three-week span with my friend melissa number one. i’m not about to say any given movie was better than, oh, i don’t know, hiroshima mon amour. but i definitely had a good time. some notes:

• the leprechaun’s powers change in every movie, and they change by orders of magnitude- in some he can alter reality and transmute the elements, in some he’s just really mean. at first this made me mad, then i was into it.
• leprechuan 3 (or maybe 2) has this part where the leprechaun can marry this pretty lady if she sneezes three times and no one says “god bless you”. i don’t know, this really creeped me out.
• leprechaun 4 (leprechaun in space) i liked because it seems like a generic space monster movie in which they decided to make the monster a leprechaun. but nobody in the film even knows anything about leprechauns, so it’s not ridiculous to them. there’s no explanation of what a leprechaun is doing on mars (or wherever they are). ok, i don’t remember a lot about this movie, but i do remember that he has a laser shillelagh, and no one (not even the leprechaun) says “laser shillelagh”. if you had that, why would you sleep on it so bad?
• there are two movies in the series that take place “in tha hood” (those being leprechaun 5: leprechaunz in tha hood” and “leprechaun: back 2 tha hood”). you might think that “return” is going to be a lot better, because it has coolio in it, but really, coolio only walks by in the background, he could have even not realized he was being filmed. also, “return” doesn’t have the leprechaun smoking a blunt with four-leaf clovers in it, getting trapped in a safe and saying “from the depths of hell i call thee, me zombie fly-girls”. or… maybe it does. sorry, can’t remember!

in any event, these little baskets might work to trap a leprechuan, but i can’t guarantee that. in fact, i really doubt it- as far as i can tell the faerie folk always come out on top. anyway the traps will definitely work to make you feel a little safer against impending leprechaun attacks, assuming you either 1), didn’t read this paragraph or 2), had you mind erased after doing so.

leprechaun entrapments $.50

warwick davis on imdb.com

mind eraser:

• 2 oz Vodka

• 2 oz Kahlua
• 2 oz Tonic water

in a rocks glass pour vodka, the Kahlua and then the tonic water. Serve with a straw.

i bought this from the comic book store, although it’s not a painting of a lady from a comic book, it’s just a painting of a cool lady who kind of has a star trek (TOS) haircut. jenine is really proud of herself for being able to place styles of hair and dress (and product design) in 3 year windows going back 50 years. i used to have an eye for this but now that the past is catching up with the future i’m just letting everything slide and not caring. or rather, i’m getting psyched on letting everything slide. it’s still interesting to put things in a context and give them a history, but you know how there’s some people that like things just because they’re “80s”? that stinks.

JUST A LADY WITH A COOL LOOK! WHO CARES WHEN IT’S FROM?!!?!??! - $10 (it’s a real painting!)

singularity on wikipedia

hairstyle timeline repository

worcester magazine has a nice article on the store this week- thanks charlene! there’s even a picture of your humble narrator, but i look really weird. holmes said once that people usually look really good doing what they like to do, which is why i used to always try to look asleep when someone tried to take my picture. i should start doing this again, because having your picture taken while you’re explaining yourself to a reporter is (as you can well judge) for the birds.

oh, and speaking of portraiture, this friday (today) bert will be once again drawing life like pictures (of you?) in the store from 3 - 6(ish).

also, the snow ghost might be playing a show this saturday, at the hotel vernon in worcester, with the body, tiny hawks, and frenching action. waht exactly the ghost will do… is unknown. but irregardless, this show is going to rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also snow ghost’s holiday joke book has appeared just in time, and it is a wig-twister, as per usual.

jen mcmahon gave us all these dracula teeth and bunny teeth. jen mcmahon, how did you know? what i always point out to people is that the dracula teeth glow in the dark, and the bunny teeth don’t, but glow-in-the-dark bunnies are a reality, and draculas (i’m going to turn some heads here) aren’t.

teef- $.50.

alba, the GFP bunny

montague summers on wikipedia